Eleanor Rigby

so i'm still awake. and to be honest, i've come across some blogs and actually sat down and read through them. it amazes me how much pain... what goes on through these people's minds. it's funny, well i guess not funny, but in my rough draft about my fellow classmate, i mentioned something similar to that.

"Throughout my life, I have only gone through the usual standard protocols, such as going to school, getting a job, and juggling everything around my social life. Though, I have never stopped to think about all the different people who I pass by everyday and what they go through or the thoughts that they have. We all do it, obliviously thinking about ourselves and never giving a second thought to others around. "

A little help from Marcio because I passed out and was working on my other TSS assignment, but pretty much.

I honestly feel bad. well i don't know how i should put this. i feel like i'm always helping people. or helped. i've always done this, done that, for people. and i remember in my other blog, i wrote how i'm going to stop giving a shit. not necessarily that crude or blatant, but it made me realize how much i draw myself to people's drama. drama that i do not need in my life. i'll be completely honest. ever since the whole incident with cathleen, i've completely drew myself away from negativity. i've kept my head high, continued on, worked my ass off at work, and tried to have the best times ever. and not only did i do this, i think i had the best summer of my life. I finally dropped people who were bringing me down in my life. And the only person I kept by my side... is Jessica. I thank her for confiding to me because she was always keeping to herself. i'm so grateful that i was able to talk her way out of the terrible things she was inflicting upon herself. and im glad that she's still in my life, after all these years. and we still act as stupid as hell, be serious when we need be, do homework/study sessions together, regardless that she's 1 year below me and at CSN. i've never been any more grateful. and i'm actually tearing up writing this.

but anyways, what i was trying to get at was. I gave up on people who wouldn't let go of stupid things that were getting in the way of our friendship. and it's still like that as of today. and to be honest, i've never been any happier. but at the same time, i miss it. but hey, who wouldnt

though, because of the new way i've picked up, it's just so hard to make new friends. i was hoping i'd meet a lot of people in college. and to be honest, the only people i've actually MET is Josh, Victor and Jenny. I don't see any of us going far in friendships. or well, maybe Josh actually. but it's just aquaintances.

in all seriousness, i envy alma. i envy how she was able to fall right into Ron's group. Yes Alma. I spent the last 2 hours reading your entire blog. And I envy you. I was feeling the exact same way.

This summer. I was able to finally spend time with my best friends. Tiffany and Ron. Finally. Because we were so caught up in key club, student council, school, this and that. We were only able to set aside time for just US 3 once. and it was to eat at tofu hut. i believe this was back in february cause i remember confiding to them about my feelings for richard at the time. it's fucking disappointing in how much we've all been through and how little time we had for each other. tiffany and ron went to the same fucken school whereas i fucken moved to spring valley. and to be honest, i kind of think it made our friendship that much stronger. not only do we consider ourselves best friends, we were able to just pick up right where we left off when we were together. tiffany and ron went to the same school, but they never even hung out with each other. it's just crazy how we all separate into our groups of friends. but its just how it is. to be honest, for the 3rd time, i was jealous of lotus. lotus was spending every waking moment with tiffany. and whenever ron and i wanted to hang out with tiffany, tiffany would blow us off. it hurt us. a lot. but i get it, lotus has been there for her.

this goes the same for ron's friends. dallas, niki, alexa and chris. i wish i had made real friends like you guys. people i can just fucken go to whenever i want. people who i know will have my back. who i can confide to. i lost this because something fucking so stupid. but then i think about it, i dont think that friendship wouldve sustained for long anyways cause cathleen was bound to be mad about something anyways.

im hella ranting, but alma's blog totally made me feel so guilty. i want to be there for you alma. but i felt as though, you have these new group of friends, you really dont need me. i mean look at you guys. you have the same exact schedule. you car pool. you hang out 24/7. i always feel left out when im around because im missing out on all these alias names, inside jokes, friendship fish, what the fuck ever. i am so jealous.

no, i don't want your sympathy. no i don't want you guys in particular to start having me hang out. i just had to get this off my chest.

maybe i'll make a new blog and actually write my personal thoughts in it like this. or i'll continue in this blog. usually when i write something truly emotional, i mark it as private so only i can see it. this is why my other blog is completely empty and boring. plus a lot of people read that blog.

you guys are still welcome in blogging here. but i guess reading people's blogs inspired me to finally write something meaningful instead of stupid shit about what i did that day.

another thing. for some reason i don't capitalize anymore. it's influenced by jila. then i just got used to it. but in my really early blogs, i always capitalized. whatever, i usually use the correct grammer otherwise.

okay i think i should try to get a few hours of sleep in before i go show my co-worker how to use quickbooks.

finally. my last day of work.



oh and another thing. i miss crista. i miss her. i miss my fucking best friend. but you're so fucking indulged in your relationship with shantia. we haven't even talked since i fucken fled your house. since i got angry at you. im sorry if this is the end of our friendship. and it's been months. i want to know if you're doing well at CSN. i want to know if you're driving well, since i guess you got your license. i want to know what the fuck you've been up to. but i can't call. because i'm scared. im scared to leave a message. to just ask for you. cause i already know the answer. "she's at shantia's". i just don't want to hear it anymore. i just wish you would just open your eyes to how much shit you've put me through. but regardless. i miss you. and i still owe your mom money. or you owe me money. i don't know. whatever.